so sue me if I go astray.
Does anyone here have regrets that linger with you? I know that it’s not a good thing to have regrets, but I have a couple.
There’s a couple of regrets I have that make me angry that I’m gay. Actually, that’s not quite correct. I’m not angry that I’m gay, after all I am who I am. I’m angry that because I am gay, and because of the times that I grew up in, that it held me back from doing some things.
I wish I had played football (and maybe baseball) growing up. I probably wouldn’t have been very good at it, but I bet I could have at least been a lineman. (I may not be fast, but good luck moving me if I don’t want to move. STRONG LIKE BULL.) I feel like I missed out on the fitness benefits, the camaraderie, not to mention that I freaking love football. But as soon as I hit puberty, I knew I was fucked. In fact, I think my exact reaction was “Well, I guess I’m fucked.” I also was a bit nerdy, and that doesn’t help in the athletic department. What was funny was when I played baseball in gym class guys would shout “easy out, easy out” when I came up to bat, not knowing that I could hit like a motherfucker. Oh sure, I couldn’t run fast and I threw like a girl, but when I hit that ball it left the goddamn area code.
I also wish I had been more courageous. I wedged myself into the closet and stayed there for thirty fucking years. You see, I believed what people told me. When they claimed they didn’t mind gay people but they didn’t want it “thrown in their face”, I believed them. So I never told them, I never dated; plus I didn’t have the internet, so I never tried to explore life. I spent far too long celibate. And when I finally couldn’t stand it anymore and reached out, the only guy that contacted me back was married to a woman. And I’m not going to lie, we had sex multiple times. You can judge me for that however you like, but I was so lonely I couldn’t take it anymore. And then he went away. I was invisible. No one knew I was there. And the result of being invisible that was a state full of people that enshrined discrimination against me in the state constitution, including my family. I have no doubt that my parents (who are now totally supportive) voted for every anti-gay initiative that was ever floated. Why? Because they didn’t know I was gay. They had no idea the things they were voting on would negatively impact someone they loved. When you dress in all black and then try to cross the street, you can’t be mad at the person that runs you over. So I finally came out to my family, a very conservative family, and have gotten nothing but love and support from ALL of them. Except my dad, but that’s more because he just doesn’t talk to me in general. (It’s a long story, and actually there’s no bad blood. It’s just the way of things.)
Why am I telling you all this? Forget the gay part; if you have a dream and the world is shutting you down at every turn or people are negative about it... FUCK THEM. Do it. Life is short. I lost twelve of the best years of my life to worrying about what everyone else thought only to find it doesn’t matter. I don’t want anyone else to go through what I went through.