...Of epiphany, much like the one experienced by Gabriel in James Joyce’s The Dead. In both Gabriel and my cases, it is the sudden realization that “Damn, I was an asshole/I screwed up,” and the shame that follows suit.
I am not going to go into details as to what caused said shame. I will tell you that it is one of the most powerfully uncomfortable feelings I have ever experienced, and I do not wish this feeling towards anyone.
Note: I haven’t killed anyone, if that’s what you were wondering. Just things I did a while ago (middle school) that I really regret doing.
I would compare it to PTSD. Actually, not quite, because I am in no position to compare my situation to something so serious. Regardless, it has caused me to wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and has caused flashbacks out of nowhere.
I have done all I can to make up/apologize for my mistakes, but I don’t know how long these feelings will stay and continue to bother me.