6 months since my life seemingly began to crumble around me. Yesterday was the girl whom I've spoken about too much on here and her boyfriend's 6 month anniversary. It's also the point I can pin to many of problems arising. You know how it only takes one bad thing to realize how bad everything else is? This was that one thing.
Although I still think about her a lot I have for the most part given up on trying to be with her. Which I guess mentally is good for me. It just sucks because as of now, there isn't anyone else and I will be spending the rest of my year alone. But losing the chance to be with her made me realize a lot of other things…
One of the first things I lost was the ability to drive her home from work. Although it may seem meaningless to you, this was honestly the first time I was ever alone with a girl. And things did happen before. I wouldn't (and haven't since) been able to get that experience again. Driving home alone that first night made me realize how boring my life really is and how lonely I am.
I then got the pleasure of walking into another one of my parent's arguments. This has been a big issue lately. All they do is fight and argue. This is at least 3 nights a week. It causes my mom to drink more and more and makes dad even more angry. I'm tired of then having them come bitch to me and say how much they hate each other and yada yada. I'm 17 and don't feel like its any of my damn business. I just lock my door and try to hide.
I then got what I thought would make me happy. That 2000 Volvo V70R. It has done nothing but make things worse. Hopefully though it'll be gone this week (albeit at a rather large financial loss).
I then tried asking two other girls out. Both said no and I felt even more worthless and useless. Loneliness is really affecting me lately. Laying in my bed with all the lights off makes me feel hopeless.
I'm super stressed out over school now. I just had to spend $100 (which I don't really have) on SAT and ACT testing. I already know they won't be good because standardized testing is my downfall. I'm a decent student (over a 3.5 GPA) but testing destroys me.
Over this course of time I lost my car passion, and motivation to really do anything. I stopped eating for a period of time and lost 60 pounds by starving myself.
Work has gone to shit with terrible new managers and a severe lack of respect. I cannot get a new job though because the market sucks for everyone, especially a 17 year old high school student.
Everyone tells me that things will get better. I hear it most every day from my small friend group. I just want to hear something else for once. I can't keep holding out like I am. Im going crazy here.
Basically, my life just sucks now. I am super depressed and mopey. I've lost the drive to do anything at all really. I get home from school and if I don't work I go right to sleep to try and avoid arguing. And during those dreams, all I can do is think of her. Then I realize how badly I messed up and how lonely I will be for quite some time. It really sucks.
I did however find a song which sums her up perfectly; especially this one line:
"'Cause I want your love/ but I can't let myself love you" "I want You" by The Kooks
Thanks for reading guys. I just need to rant sometimes.