Hello, first I wanted to thank everyone for responding over the past week. I thought I should post an update on how things are going.
I made it to my therapy appointment on Wednesday. We talked about my symptoms (insomnia, feeling hot, feeling foggy and disorientated, missing details, headaches, stomach issues, physical and mental pain, overly sensitive and easily overwhelmed by senses, isolating, not enjoying anything, headaches, exhaustion and tired mentally and physically, constant discomfort and suicidal thoughts). We determined that this is probably a medication issue because recently I was taken off one of my meds and things have been worse since that happened. While there has been a lot of behavioral issues (not being in class, stressful family trip and time off leading to unstructured time) I had returned to work and a routine and hadn’t been improving with that either. Clearly I am in worse health than I have been since my hospitalization last summer which lasted a month.
We talked about if I should be hospitalized and she thinks it could probably be a good idea. I’m worried about leaving work for an undetermined amount of time but need something to happen because I don’t know how long I will make it like this. I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow and my therapist recommended that we talk about all of my symptoms and medications, possibly go back on my old medication (ability) and discuss the possibility of being hospitalized again.
We also talked about what to do in the meantime. She said it would be a good idea to take some of my old leftover sleeping pills so that I get some sleep at night. I am going to try to wake up at the latest 9AM and try to go to bed at the same time every day. She also wants me to start logging my moods and what is going on during them. We also talked about setting small goals for me to do every day so that I feel like I am moving forward with something. Today my goal was to take the dishes out of my room and put them in the dishwasher. I feel really pathetic and ashamed that I’ve been reduced to this level where I can barely do that. I’m trying to deflect the self hate and acknowledge that I’m sick but its hard. It makes me so sad that I can barely do anything and that everything has become overwhelming and that I’m constantly in a state of distress. We also talked about my suicidal thoughts. It’s not good that I have a plan but its better that it’s more of an escape thought than a compulsion. I’m pretty much right on the line though where if it gets any worse I will have to be hospitalized. We also talked about how to find a support group for depression so that I can get some support and understanding around others like me. I also sent an email today the the social worker at the hospital where I was at last summer to get some information and to see if my new insurance would help cover or be accepted and am waiting to hear back on that. I don’t know if I can even afford to be hospitalized right now. I’m also supposed to look at my Dialectical Behavioral Therapy workbook from the hospitalization last year to try to review some of the material, the crisis survival stuff in particular. I haven’t been able to get myself to do that yet though.
I’m worried about tomorrow. Its a new psychiatrist and I’m worried I will be hospitalized against my will if I say the wrong thing. I’m also worried about what I will have to tell work if I am hospitalized and my professor who I’m supposed to be meeting with soon to come up with a plan for my fall internship with her. I’m terrified about living like this though. It feels like I’ve been feeling this way for months even though it hasn’t been that long and it feels like I’ll never feel better than this. I know logically that it will probably not always be this way but I can’t shake the feeling. I guess I’ll try to update tomorrow after my appointment but if I’m hospitalized I might not have access to the internet or my devices. I know I really need help but I’m so early overwhelmed right now that I’m scared of everything and don’t know what to do. I’m just so miserable, it’s hard to even describe how bad it is.
Update:
I got back from my psychiatrist appointment and I am going back on my old medication. She wants me to see how the weekend goes and I can be hospitalized next week if I get any worse.