I slept for 12 hours yesterday night and then took a nap in the afternoon. I’m going to bed now and am waiting for it to kick in. It’s helping with the sleeping difficulties and is supposed to. I like how it’s sedating me as well for the most part throughout the day too because it’s better than how living in my head normally is. Basically my persistent depressive disorder and my generalized anxiety disorder and my past trauma make my head a vast and unstoppable strong hellscape to live in so being out of it while being conscious is actually kind of nice. It’s like when I dissociate but more calming somehow. I feel less out of control this way somehow and my brain isn’t constantly torturing me to the point of suicidal thoughts to escape it. So I suppose this is a positive. The constant tiredness is supposed to go away as I get used to it.
I hate myself and my brain. I shouldn’t hate myself though, despite how my family treats me I have survived and continue to even after my suicide attempt a few years ago. They taught me to hate myself and feel that nothing about me is good only that I’m a bad person. But I don’t think I’ve really done anything wrong. I’m a kind sensitive and empathetic person who tries very hard to keep going at college and to help people and especially to not harm people. I never put myself first even though I should. But I hate myself, I can’t stand seeing myself in the mirror or in photos. I think I deserve all the trauma and abuse that’s come my way. I think I deserve to die and to never be happy in my life. That I’m not trying hard enough unless I’m desperately miserable and barely able to function and that I’m and will never be enough for anyone. I’ll be alone forever and no one will ever like me. I abhorrent physically and broken mentally and emotionally and no one if they truly new me could ever like or love me and would certainly never be attracted to me. I’m 24 and male and nothing’s worked out yet.
I just want to feel better and actually feel happiness sometimes. I don’t want to hate myself. I want to feel real connection with someone else. I want to feel liked and loved or that I’m at least loveable.
I really shouldn’t write when I’m half out of it on sleeping meds. I’ll probably regret it later but will post it anyway.