I posted earlier really hating HP’s CPU backplate design. That hate has not changed, if anything, it has deepened.
However, thanks to facw, Jason Spears, and others in the previous thread, I managed to install my cooler! I used my imagination when reading a forum post link Jason had posted where another angry HP owner (an Omen owner instead of an Envy Phoenix like mine) also had the same stupid backplate and removed the springs from the mounting screws.
So, I removed (aka broke off) the springs, but the cooler wouldn’t hold on. There are two sets of springs on there, so I just removed the lower set and kept the upper springs which give the screws a tight hold on the mounting bracket.
All that to say the cooler is now fitted... sort of.
My eyeballing at the beginning was a bit off, and now the case side panel doesn’t actually fit on.
You know what? Fuck it. Even with the side panel off it’s sooooooooo much quieter than the stock HP cooler (facw pointed out that a stock Intel one is quite different), and low 70s instead of high 90s under a full load with F@H.
I’ll take that as a win. This basically took me all day because of HP and their adamantium backplate.