Walked by these sitting on the clearance rack my Local WinCo Foods™ and just had to scoop them up.
I’ve had Krave, Pop Tarts, and other filled cereals. But nothing could prepare me for this experience.
First thing’s first: this sugar content is unreal. 19 grams per serving. NINETEEN! Most of the cereals I buy regularly don’t even crack 10 grams. So this time, my pilot bowl was half of my usual pour. Because I want to live until I’m at least one more year before I die of hardened, sugary blood.
These are large pieces of what could barely be considered food. They have the shape and grain pattern similar to Oatmeal Squares, but poof diameter matches that of Cap’n Crunch. The anticipation intensifies.
The second I pour my share, the sugar dust hits like perfume. That one perfume your ex wore and you still recognize it nearly 20 years later. Unmistakable aroma of arousing LIES—The milk has little affect on the color-retention of the pieces. It doesn’t turn immediately cloudy with brown darkness. Suspicious. I let it sit for about 45 second before trying. These pieces aren’t quite hard as a rock, but they’re no Kix that’s for damn sure.
First bite... Insanity. You don’t even get to chew it. You break it with your teeth and it completely coats your gums and any exposed enamel. There’s nothing even left on your tongue, the glue of sugar has seized your entire oral cavity... Possibly even your sinuses. You power through.
Second bite. With your mouth coated, the next shipment actually chews like real food for a few seconds. The shell is very mild, maybe closer to Chocolate Chex as opposed to Cocoa Puffs in terms of chocolate intensity. The center? The center is gummy, chewy, chalky, hardened mass-produced ultra-condensed frosting. No hint of almond or buttermilk, just a the Final Stage of processed sugar. I have never had a cereal that compared in any way to this texture.
Yet the intense sugar-flavored adhesive did not burn my weakened teeth like some sugar bomb cereal accomplishes. The bowl got easier and easier to eat, slowly approaching the peak of the normal curve that is Cereal Tolerability.
Though I initial drowned the pieces, this was the only little bit of milk left. As I said: these are large, thirst chunks of “food.”
I was gonna write that this was just awful. Horrible. Inconceivable! But 12 hours later, I’m kind of looking forward to having my second bowl tomorrow morning. This cereal is an absolute MUST, if only for novelty purposes.
Thanks for reading.