Orrr... you can’t drive.
Don’t mind the yellow stuff. That’s just fire retardant. I definitely didn’t light anything on fire trying to free a stuck bolt.
Anyways, I’ve torn the motor right down to the crankshaft trying to figure out what went and nuked itself, but evidence has been... inconclusive. No stuck valves, no damaged pistons, no metal shavings, nothing. Just... it doesn’t start anymore. The motor seems to be fine mechanically, so it’s likely a sensor failed. Ah well. I’m buying a different car anyways, so I can make my money back on this car incredibly easily.
I’ve also learned today that the 1999 EJ25D is a franken-motor straight from Subaru’s factory, and it explains why the bolt pattern is so different on my transmission. My panic about not having the right motor has been settled for the most part.