An excerpt from my newest book, presented here free of charge! Coming soon to a popular slam poetry club near you.
Everything hurts and I’m dying
Why oh why did I ever go hiking
Ignoring the pain
And the bitter cold rain
I carry on though inside I’m crying
The air outside tears at my face
My boots keep untying at the lace
I’m cold and I’m mad
I’ve tripped oh so bad
Why oh why did I come to this place
I’m fumblin’ and stumblin’ and tumblin’
My elapsed time collapsed is quite troublin’
And though so far has passed
Quarter-mile perhaps
Bitter thoughts in my mind are now grumblin’
Sweat makes rivers and puddles and lakes
I’m a mess but I guess them’s the breaks
Though I wish I was dead
And not hiking instead
At least I’m not stuck cleaning jakes
Oh lord I just don’t understand
What possessed me to go with this plan
Bleeding and bruised
In need of much booze
This goddamn hike can kick sand
I’m asking and begging for mercy
And though I know that I speak with you tersely
You must be aware
That I feel I’m ensnared
To my aid I’m quite ticked you won’t hurry
How I got so damn lost I can’t say
Deaf ears turned by the gods whom I praid
I cursed them by name
Till my voice ‘gan to fade
From the heavens a light shined my way
Then all of a sudden came a bear
This bear gave me quite a large scare
With pants now turned brown
I turned right around
And found myself in the bear’s lair
The god’s light had been naught but a trap
Those dirty conniving **** sacks
With an upwards-turned glare
I said “ye best prepare”
Cause I’m coming to pay you right back
A long story short I must make
To explain to you this twist of fate
The bear that had found me
And almost had downed me
Instead decided a friend I would make
Blood boiling with vengeance we climbed
Wrath filled hearts of both bear and I
At the God’s we did rage
They who did write the page
We’d been used for the very last time
Alright you damn bastards, red rover
Send the big man with white robes on over
For the sins he’s committed
He will not be acquitted
Nay instead of our burden he will shoulder
With a ring of the bell it was set
We took East while ol’ Allah took west
And while two-against-one
Might look unfair to some
Twas deemed kosher by all of the rest
See it seems the big man wasn’t well-liked
Other deities held much hatred and fright
So slammed like a book
With tremendous left hook
When he tapped out the crowds cheered all night
And thusly was fairy tale created
Of the God whom by two was checkmated
And all this begin
With a dumb fookin’ plan
To go hike in the rain “stead of waitin’