Shop Quest - Scaring my Realtor [updated]

If the Crack House had my poor realtor on edge, I think she is going to stop returning my phone calls after these next two. Welcome everyone to the next round of: Akio tries to buy things and it all goes wrong!

When we last left the action, my shop quest was in amazing shape! We’d looked at two properties and both looked like viable options!

Things did not go well.

In fact, things went so poorly I couldn’t bring myself to write about them or even look for another shop for all of July.

First world problems yes, but this really shouldn’t be this hard.

This is what happened

The “Perfect House” went pending two days after I’d looked at it, which was fine. While I would have settled with that one, it was too nice for what I was looking for.

What I really wanted is Option A, the Crack House. The house was rough but the shop was big and the price was adequate. So, with that, I decided to make an offer.

First step was to secure financing. We knew the house had issues and the owner and his familiy had enough issues of their own and were therefore unable or unwilling to repair the house. Fine. As-is sale.

I got a pre-approval for an as-is sale with the conditions that the house doesn’t have any structural, safety, or sanitary issues. Fine. No problem, right? They would have mentioned that before the showing... right? Plus people live there.

Nah... it had all three.

Apparently when they said “the floors need to be replaced” that didn’t mean it needs new carpet. They meant there are literally holes in the floor that lead into the crawlspace.

Apparently when they said “the septic needs work” they meant all the lat lines need replaced and probably the tank too.

Apparently when they said “needs some electrical work” they meant there is literally exposed wiring through the house.

PEOPLE LIVE THERE.

Sigh.

AC just needs charged

Moving on...

Running away from that like the dumpster fire it clearly was, I decided to devote my time to other inadvisable pursuits like building a 2-stroke bicycle.

Today, however, two new opportunities popped up and I thought I would share.

The first is a 2 bed, 1 bath 1000 sqft house on 0.25 acres with a medium sized shop (about 30x30) already built.

Red flag #1: There are no pictures on the listing, though it is a new listing.

Red flag #2: The Shop is built around a shed...?

Red flag #3: This thing is in... a less desirable part of town. But hey the house already has bars on the windows so...

Upside #1: Already has a shop

Upside #2: It is so cheap I can pay with cash. This property is listed for $30k. That is not a typo.

Hooray?

Option two is even more of a shitmess

It is a 1 acre plot of land with two houses and a large shop. The houses are, apparently, complete write-offs and will need to be torn down.

Apparently this shop is OK and looks large.

The area is also not desirable, but I worked in the area for several years and it is fine... I mean... in the two years I worked across the street I only saw one two major armed standoffs with police.

Ok so this one is more of a curiosity than anything else. Plus who hasn’t wanted to own a murder shack!?

Path forward?

They’re both worth a drive-by, if you’ll pardon the expression, but I doubt either is going to tickle my fancy.

I like the idea of something I can hit the ground running, but a 30x30 shop isn’t a great size and I don’t see this area ever being desirable.

Back to the listings!

...

Update: Drove by both

Option 1 looks fine. Neighborhood is poor and black (is that OK to say?), but fine. Not great, but fine. Shop probably too small. This one is a wait and see what the pictures look like. They were in the process of gutting it when I drove by.

Option 2 is a no go. As bad as the houses look, the shop looks just as bad, as does the neighborhood. If it were out in the middle of nowhere it would be a fun adventure (can you say “best haunted house ever?”) but given it is in the middle of a bad neighborhood it is a hard pass.