Photo: crabby
Clearly, GM is leaning hard into a crab theme for the new Hummer.
Photo: crabby
I find this fascinating, as it brought to light why I’ve had such strange feelings about the Hummer. Obviously, it was styled to look like a crab from the very beginning and I only noticed subliminally, thereby confusing my opinions on crabs with my opinions of the Hummer. Looking at it now, the resemblance is uncanny:
Photo: crabby
Photo: crabby
With my complex Hummer/crab emotions now dealt with, I can think about what sort of crab themes could be involved with the new Hummer, specifically its so-called “Crab Mode”. I have some theories on what happens when this is activated:
1. Two giant, robotic pinchy-pinchies will deploy, allowing you to manipulate the environment around you from the comfort of your truck. I’m thinking something along the lines of “Boston Dynamics meets Jaws of Life” here. One will be smaller than the other so you can select the right tool for various purposes. For example, if you’re parked behind a gas/diesel-guzzling F150 with a Calvin-peeing-on-the-GMC-logo bumper sticker, you can deploy the little claw and snip that portion of bodywork off. Or if you’re on a camping trip and need firewood, the big claw allows you to easily cut down trees. Imagine the possibilities!
2. The Hummer holds out two stinging anemones for protection, like the Boxer Crab.
3. After a two-week pregnancy, the Hummer will lay between 1,000 and 2,000 eggs.
4. The Hummer communicates with other Hummers by flapping its pinchy-pinchies or drumming its claws.
5. While the Hummer, like crabs, can move both forward and backward, top speed can only be achieved when traveling sideways... Via Crab Mode.
6. The Hummer will eat bits of dead plants, animals, algae, worms, detritus, or other crustaceans.
7. Crab Rave.
8. The Hummer is equipped with teeth in its stomach which grind against one another when the stomach contracts to grind up food.
9. The Hummer cannot be considered a true crab unless it has 10 legs (yes, the claws are considered legs), so Crab Mode deploys extra wheels to satisfy your marine biologist friends.
10. Butter.
So what are your thoughts on this new crabby car?