Here on oppo, we often talk about not being a dick, and how it’s not nice to disparage others’ choice of vehicles. Well, in the spirit of the holidays, I’m here to talk some trash. Come at me bro!
There exists a segment of vehicles that I positively despise. Which means that because I despise these vehicles, every single person who has purchased one, is most assuredly some kind of an asshole.
This segment of vehicle doesn’t even really have a formal name. BMW calls the X6 and X4 “Sports Activity Coupes.” Mercedes-Benz calls the GLE Coupe pictured above, “the first ever GLE-Class coupe.” Because everyone knows what a GLE-Class is.
Oh wait, you’ve never heard of a GLE-Class? That’s because now all Mercedes SUVs are GL-something, and the M-Class is now the GLE-Class, because Mercedes I guess now really wants their alphanumeric model naming conventions to more closely follow Infiniti and Cadillac.
For lack of a better term, I will refer to the most abominable vehicle class ever as Swoopy Hatchbacktified crossover for Image-conscious Trash.
Let us dive more deeply, into how a car company creates a SHIT:
Step 1: Take a crossover, like the BMW X5.
Step 2: Chop down the roof in back to a swoopy hatchback.
Step 3: Now it’s a sports car!
Never mind that all of these SHITs drive exactly like the crossovers on which they’re based. They have swoopy hatchbacktified rear ends! Everything with a swoopy hatchbacktified rear end is fast, obviously.
Back in the early days of SHITs, there were only two choices for the discerning SHIT enthusiast: the X6 or the Acura ZDX.
Look how swoopy that SUV’s ass is! I bet it’s faster than a Ferrari!
Acura, unfortunately, doesn’t have enough brand caché to convince people to buy a SHIT, because the Image-conscious Trash who purchase SHITs obviously would never be caught behind the wheel of some gussied-up Honda.
I suppose one could argue that the ZDX is not quite a SHIT, and is more of a SHBIT (Swoopy Hatchbacktified crossover for Budget- and Image-conscious Trash). The SHBIT demographic proved to be a small one, and Acura sold only 7,197 ZDXes from 2009 through 2013.
BMW however, was much more fortunate with X6 sales, selling a few hundred thousand of them so far. The new, second-generation X6 electric boogaloo just came out.
BMW was so happy with the growth of the SHIT segment, that they decided to double down on the SHIT and release the X4: which is a bit of a SHBIT because it is cheaper than the X6, but it still has a BMW badge on it and you need to spend $10k in options before it will be equipped as nicely as the ZDX.
Yes, this is an X4. It looks so different from the X6. Can’t you tell?
This is not an off-road vehicle, and not a sports car. You also can’t see out the back of it. Because if you’re a SHITty person who would buy a SHIT to drive, you obviously don’t give a shit about the shit behind you.
What a load of shit.