(MEXICO CITY, OPPO) The mayoress of Mexico City, Doctor Claudia Sheinbaum, announced stricter COVID-19 protocols in the city metro starting Tuesday during her daily Covid-19 update press conference.
“We’re proud to announce that metro conductors will now be accompanied by cooks tasked with roasting peppers and cooking green tomato sauce to inspire passengers into using their facemasks completely. It takes one roaster to keep us all safe from the deadly, despicable virus”
-Claudia Sheinbaum
When asked if she was inspired to place the measure after Berlin’s metro announced they’d prohibit the use of personal deodorant, Dr. Sheinbaum answered:
“We admit to have taken some inspiration from the city of Berlin, much like every hipster bar and café operating in La Condesa.” Critics called the measure “a stupid waste of food” to which Sheinbaum answered “We’re gonna cook some Chilaquiles that will blow your socks off.”
Also read: Gym bro protesting COVID-19 measures challenges disabled police officer into a push-up competition: looses
Some of the other measures announced were:
1. Access to downtown Mexico City will be decided based on randomized “what soap opera character would you be based on your favorite color” Buzzfeed quiz results
2. Athletes training in public parks must use their last marathon’s jersey to justify that they’re regular runners; will be given preference based on medal weight
3. Police officers charging bribes for illegal u-turns will now only accept credit or debit cars
4. Public emergency phones will be disabled to encourage running away from criminals rather than possibly getting infected by touching the phone’s surface.
Despite growing infection numbers, the mayoress was “optimist” that Mexico City could reopen in order to raise tax incomes after a very disappointing spring break season.
“You see, Americans don’t give a shit about it, and we really need those tourists to come back and overpay for well advertised, mass-produced ‘artisanal’ souvenirs”
Around the country, local and state leaders seemed to be at odds with each other on what should happen. Queretaro’s health secretary got into hot water when it was revealed that he inflated hospital bed use to dissuade out-of-state patients from entering the state, to which he responded “I really, really just think we’re better than anyone else and I don’t understand why it’s so hard to understand.” As well as a small dispute between the country of Guatemala and the state of Quintana-Roo after one of the detainees from the weekend’s narco-jet crash tested positive for Covid-19. “If this poor man caught COVID-19 inside the jet, I can’t even imagine the conditions of the informal meth labs in the protected jungles”
Also read: In astounding show of empathy, billionaires Ricardo Salinas and Carlos Slim donate 5 dollars a month each on patreon to affected youtubers
At the national level, President Obrador started the week by preparing a unilateral meeting in Washington with the President of the United States, as well as the independent candidate for the Presidency, Kanye West. Sources say opposition leaders in Mexico are seeking a meeting with Taylor Swift to raise the possibility of a candidacy. A member of Swift’s team said she would not accept the meeting over some bad blood.
It’s unclear whether Obrador and Trump will be able to get close during the meeting as both leaders have been exposed to recent covid-19 positive patients. When asked about the safety measures to be taken, a spokesperson for the President said. “Mexicans should just consider COVID-19 like any other common occurrence in Mexico, like Tacos, traffic jams, or a war-zone level homicide rate”